Relationship Rules

Isn’t alliteration sexy?

Topic of the day: Is there a clear set of rules for how to approach and keep a relationship? (If so, please email me a copy.) 😉

I’m going to be using Stephen Hedger’s guidelines; his job title is “Marriage Adviser & Divorce Prevention Specialist” so his rules are practically the Holy Grail for relationships.

I’ll highlight each rule in bold and dissect it myself beneath.

Are you excited?

…Not in that way, pervert.

Let’s get to it!

1. Never assume your partner is trying to hurt you

 …unless they are carrying a knife and/or are currently choosing “101 Ways To Hurt Your Partner” as their hot bedtime read.

2. Never make your partner wrong

WHAT?

They commit a crime, ie. cheating (come on, that’s pretty criminal) and you’re expected to role out the red carpet?

3. Never threaten the end of the relationship (unless you really mean it!)

If you’re threatening to end the relationship, you’re unhappy anyway so I’d advise you to go for it, commit to it.

It may be difficult when you’re asked the reasons and you can’t make your partner wrong (seriously, what?!). Perhaps use the most sickening line in all of relationship history, “It’s not you. It’s me.” Pass me a paper bag, won’t you darling?

4. Never pull your love away

Unless 1, 2 or 3 have already occurred.

5. Never make your relationship all about YOU!

But if we don’t talk about me, what else is there to talk about?

6. Always make your partner feel No1 in your life

I didn’t know that we had LEAGUE TABLES, shit just got serious.

7. Always make your partners needs your needs too

He needs to pee, so I got to pee too? He wants to become transgender so I have to…no, no, no, draw the line people.

8. Always look for ways to help your partner feel great about themselves

I’ll use a classic example:

“Does my bum look big in this?”

NO, ALWAYS NO. No hesitation, no pause for thought, not even one single breath. The answer is NO and it’s in cannon succession to the question. Got it?

9. Always make unconditional love your priority (it will cost you if you don’t)

Okay (How much?)

10. Always make time for your relationship every day

I can schedule you in next…  hmm, let me have a lookyloo here, Tuesday? Is Tuesday good for you too? Trust me, I am an expert in failing relationships, diary appointments work.

And that, ladies and gentleman, is my advice. The most it will cost you is a click on the ‘like’ button, if it’s not too much hassle for your chubby little digit. Be thankful, Hedger is charging £12,500 + VAT for a 3-month program! Is that the going rate for love these days? He must think he’s pretty motherfunking special… for that price you could buy yourself a hot new bride.

Awwwwww.

Look at how much she does not want to kiss the paedophile.