Seems I’ve been away for so long…
Life for about a month or so has been absolutely nuts for me. Would I relive it? You bet your ass I would. Who doesn’t love a rollercoaster? Anyway, effective tomorrow, Hey Joe! is back on track. Enjoy the tune!
So for those of us who are quite aware that our in-laws are going to scrutinize our every move, and in our own homes, no less; or, for those of us who would like to avoid the messy business of the possibilities of in-laws all-together : an in-law prophylactic, if you will; I present to you, the ultimate in sarcastic home finery and their slightly classier alternatives that still manage to say “Get the fuck out.”
1. Serving ice tea to your loving family –
Because if you didn’t advertise it, how would they know?
Feeling a little more classy? Let them know that just seeing them makes you drink.. out of this lovely vintage inspired flask.
both at http://www.urbanoutfitters.com
2. Entertaining in the sitting room –
Make sure there is relatable material for the moments you’re in the kitchen sneaking a xanax.
￼$9.95, Both at http://www.urbanoutfitters.com
3. Giving a tour of your perfectly appointed home –
My house not clean enough for you? Oh now, where’s that rats ass I was going to give?
Both patterns at http://www.shop.subversivecrossstitch.com
4. Letting mom-mom and pop-pop help with bed time –
Even the baby thinks you’re an asshole.
Both at http://www.findgift.com
4. Presenting a gift on a special day –
But we went all out on this!
￼99.99, Both at http://www.wayfair.com
How I see things, you get that shot of daylight… That non-blind eye that reassures you; it let’s you feel comfortable discussing what should be absurd. You’re hit with it in stride and you understand:
I know that when I’m talking to a woman about my “love life” she’s either my 3rd ex-twice-removed or my soon-to-be-ex. – KGC
“People who talk in metaphors should shampoo my crotch.” – Jack
If you’re in a situation where love and money are involved, take the money. It’s less messy and it stacks. – KGC
A toast: “To the orgiastic future that year by year recedes before us…” – F. Scott Fitzgerald
I know about people. I know that people are common and infinite and boring and brazen. People have the capacity for Nobel Prizes, and have the ability to go through life illiterate. – KGC
I know the first three Black Sabbath Albums by heart; and Black Flag and Danzig ran through my head as a teen, but none of their music ever made me want to reduce their fanbase – KGC
I know, I know…
It’s been interesting to be me for at least the last year or so of my life. I left 10 years of my life behind to work for a company that I knew little about. I knew it paid well, and had incredible benefits, but that was about it. A year later, after working there quite literally night and day essentially non-stop, I know three times as much as I did a year ago: we get paid well, we have incredible benefits, we work ridiculously hard hours, we don’t seem to age (this is really weird), no one seems to know exactly what we make, and the Vice President drops by from time to time.
The last week of nights, have been well…hell. I work with some pretty impressive individuals, and not to toot my own horn, I do my job excessively well. Apparently, that’s a fact that hasn’t gone unnoticed by management. On Monday (Sunday night), I was shadowed for an entire shift by the owner’s son. Working that closely with someone that hasn’t ever seen you work is a bit nerve-wracking. He had some kind of high tech tool that he was using to report my every move back to the office.The seven and a half hours he shadowed me felt more like 14 weeks. It pissed me off that they would spring a surprise like that on me. Even my supervisors weren’t aware that it was going to happen till they showed up for work, and he was in the building. My anger response: to set records for the shit that I make. I crushed every other shift, essentially on my own. It was by far, the hardest night I’ve ever worked at this job. Why? Because in order to report my movements, wherever I walked, he walked. My pedometer read 13.6 miles.
I tried to kill him.
I read somewhere that people like lists, and the top (whatever number) lists especially. That being the case, I thought I would take my top 5 lists, and take the number 1’s and make them a list of the top 5. Confused yet? No? Good! Let’s do this!
5. Norah Jones – Turn Me On (Adult Contemporary)
This made number one on my list of sexy songs. I think it goes without saying why..
4. Survivor – Can’t Hold Back (80’s Rock)
I love how well written this song is, and it’s pretty upbeat to be a love song.
3. Kiss – Forever (Rock)
I liked this song the first time I heard it. I’m sure I’m going to catch some shit from Tom Nardone for putting this at only number 3!
2. Travis Tritt – Drift off to Dream (Country)
I’m not much for country music, but this song is incredibly well written, and very well performed. The lyrical imagery is impossible to top.
1. The Five Satins – In The Still Of the Night (Oldies)
Probably my favorite song of the era.
Top 5’s are hard for me. There are so many incredible songs available to choose from. These are the best in their category in my opinion. If you disagree, leave me your top 5 list in the comments and we’ll discuss! Tomorrow night, Top 5 songs that make me feel like taking over the world! Tom Nardone, I’m sorry!
Today I went for dinner at Chic-Fil-A. I don’t eat there often. Primarily because it’s always crowded. The one closest to my house is around 20 minutes away. Today I found myself sitting next to a glass wall beside the play area while I ate. Typically, I don’t give a shit what’s going on in there. Those places disgust me. They are a mosh pit of germs that I want no fucking part of. Today, as i was sitting, questioning the glass wall’s ability to contain the funk on the otherside, it occured to me what I was seeing. Amongst the 5 or 6 kids small enough to be playing in there, was what appeared to be an entire junior highschool. I’m not talking about smaller kids. The boys looked old enough to drive, and the girls were wearing bras…or should have been. I know it comes as a terrible shock, but I was more than irritated that the few little kids weren’t able to play because the casts of 90210 and Saved By The Bell were taking over the place. As I watched, the invaders began to play very aggresively close to the small kids. The smaller ones backing against the wall in an attempt not to get hurt by the idiots that were where they shouldn’t be in the first place. The teenagers parents? No where to be found.
I went apeshit.
I swung the door open to the germ cesspool, and screamed at the kids involving themselves in the aggression. I told them that they were too old to be in there in the first place, much less behaving the way they were around the little ones.
One girl, with a set of double D’s told me she wasn’t too old. I told her if she was grown up enough to wear a bra, she was too grown up to be in there.
In other words, if you’re old enough to create children, keep your big ass out of the play area.
What frustrates me the most is that my mother constructs this illusion to her family and friends that she is being an ideal mother! She impresses them by calling them up on days that she actually does the laundry or actually picks up the kids from school. (Which are very rare occasions). She would be admired and pampered with compliments and sayings from her friends, “How do you do it?!” Well…quite frankly, she doesn’t do it. She doesn’t do anything!
When we bring her faults to her attention, she would quickly become offended and walk away, denying any evidence of her laziness. Her defense being, “Remember that time I cleaned the house for you?” or “What do you mean I don’t spend time with you, I just took you all out to the movies last weekend!” Money is her tool of manipulation, as she buys my sisters games and toys for their affection.
Today, my father is putting my mother back through school, carrying on with all of the housework, and serving as the only source of income to the household. He has threatened to get a divorce from my mother multiple times in the past, but she pulls a guilt card on him, saying “what about the kids? We need to stay together for them” It’s a tough situation because although my dad is frustrated with her, he’s not heartless. If he were to get a divorce, she would have nothing…no money, no family, no job.
I want this family to mend somehow! I don’t want my sisters to grow up having a mother that won’t be one. It’s scarring to have a mom that is in plain view, yet you can’t seem to reach her or connect with her. She just turns her back, teasingly, as she continues to engulf herself in the fictional dramas of the television screen.
I don’t want to lose my father. I don’t want his health to fail him. But at the same time, I don’t want to lose my mother either, and I would never want that for my sisters.
What should be done? What can I do?
Burning through the breaking dawn
And steel-strewn fields of clover
His plane has crashed, his hopes are gone
The fairytale is over
The hands of fate that once took part
No longer agents of chance
End the lives before they start
To find their new romance
The stranger in the old land
Lets go this dream of his
Never having kissed her hand
Such tragedy is this…
Cast off the trappings of here
Leave behind that which you’ve known
Let go of all that is near
Take the first plane, and go home.
A stranger in the old land
knowing that here’s where it starts
Feeling fingers of fates hand
Push together two lost hearts
Watching life beginning anew
for the first time feeling alive
together till their lives are through
letting go, and letting love drive
Together two hearts are one
after all the time that’s past
loving, laughter and fun
in a love that’s meant to last
Hey Joe! This advice column is the shit! Anyway look man, I have a problem. I was wondering if you or the Joe’s Geniuses could help.
A couple years ago, my wife convinced me to go back to school (college). I decided to take up welding, because my dad owns a garage and he’s always needing something welded on, or cut off. I’ve taken all of my classes with the exception of college trigonometry. I fucking suck at math, so I’m not sure how I’m going to get through college trig. Here’s the problem. I can’t graduate until I pass trig. My wife has said I’m not getting anymore sex till I pass my first test. Can you or the geniuses tell me a way to convince her that this is cruel? Is there any medical problems you can think of to help me make my case? PLEASE HELP!
She also said if I get an A, she’ll have sex whenever I want till the next test. How’s that not fucked up? She knows I suck at math.
Mother’s Day is Sunday. Yes. This Sunday, like tomorrow…Go buy a card. Hurry Up! You can finish reading this when you get back!
For those of you still with me, I thought since everyone else is going to blog about Mother’s Day, I’d remind everyone that Mother’s Day means something a little different to each person. Mother’s Day to my mom, for example gives her a chance to regret not using birth control on the FIVE kids before me. Honestly, it took her five times to get it right. Hey, at least she got it though, right! Thanks Mom, for not giving up!
Have you ever thought about Mother’s Day from the point of view of a superhero? No? I guess it must be something only us superheroes do. Anyway, Mother’s Day (although awesome for me) isn’t so great for the other “super”heroes. Allow me to illustrate.
The Batman movies were pretty cool. I loved that they showed so much behind-the-scenes stuff like how the Batsuit was made, and how Batman learned to fight…unfortunately, they left out the parts where Albert tries to launder the Batsuit.
Sadly, it’s still causing a bit of a rift between Bruce and Albert.
Without his mother teaching Tony Stark the importance of being physically fit, and eating right, things were pretty bad initially:
Luckily, he joined Weight-Watchers and got that shit back under control.
Okay, you’ve got me…without my own mom I wouldn’t have ever been able to go from this:
to what I am now:
Happy Mother’s Day to all of the moms out there. There should really be a supersuit for every single one of you. And to my own mom, Thanks for being the wrapper around 6 pounds and 7 ounces of awesome!
Hey Joe! Have you ever thought about making this an advice blog? I think you should give it some thought. That way I can quit emailing my personal problems to you. Do you remember a while back, I’d emailed you about getting a friend request from a girl that I had a huge crush on in school? I ended up accepting the request, and we talk every now and then which is nice. Anyway, the other night, I was messaging with her on my phone, and things took a turn toward the sexual side. It wasn’t sexting, or anything that graphic, but I think it could’ve been. We both talked about things that we enjoy (in bed), and she’s actually a bit more of a freak that I would ever have guessed! She’s fucking hot too, dude! After the other night though, she won’t return my texts, or messages on Facebook. I’m not sure if I did or said something, but I’d like to see where this thing goes. Not just because of the sex, but because I’ve enjoyed having her back around. What should I do?
Hey Joe! I love the title of your website, it’s like the Jimmy Hendricks song. I always did like that song, which is kind of how I found your website. Anyway, I’ve been reading the things you put on your site, and I have to say I love your personality! A lot of people would be a lot happier if they just said what they meant the way you do. I’m sorry to be using your personal e-mail this way, but I have kind of a difficult question, and I’d like a straightforward kind of answer. I don’t think you know how to not be straightforward, and since we don’t know each other personally, I feel like I can ask you without being judged. I hope I’m not mistaken about that.
My question is this. I’m worried that my teenaged daughter and her boyfriend are either having sex, or are planning to have sex. She’s only fifteen, and I’m not sure that this guy is “the one”. The problem is, I’d like to talk to her about it, but I’m afraid to bring it up for fear of either embarrassing her, or having her shut me out of her personal life completely. What would you do?
Hello! I am 36 years old and have an 8 year old daughter. I am getting
married in less than 2 weeks to a guy that I’ve been dating a little over a
year. A first, my parents gave us their blessing. A few months later, they
got upset with me because we had bought both of our daughters twin beds and
set them up in the house we will be sharing after we are married. They
decided to “fix it” by buying both girls a bedroom suite with full sized
beds. This was done without asking. It caused my fiancée and I to break up
for a short time. When we talked things out & decided to move on with our plans, my parents decided that they don’t approve of the marriage and wouldn’t support it in any way. My mom has told me everything from what a bad mom I am being to telling me that I don’t love him – I just want someone between my legs. She digs every chance she gets and tells me that
she doesn’t think the marriage will last 2 years. She has deemed him
“controlling” and feels that he will keep my daughter and I from visiting.
They are not coming to the wedding and this is very hurtful. So here I am
two weeks before what is supposed to be a happy occasion. I’m confused and
hurt and really don’t know what to do. Should I give in to my parents and
call off the wedding? If I do this, I’m losing a guy that I see as my best
friend. If I marry him, I’m going to be giving up my family.
Thanks for your time
**I don’t mind if you use my first name.
Sent from my iPad
Hey Joe, I could use some male perspective here. I have a 1 yr old baby but last year right after I got out of the hospital from having the baby; I learned my husband had cheated on me. I already know what everyone is thinking, but that’s not why I am writing. It began with someone he considered a good friend when I was 7 months along. Essentially, the short story on that is that he had a serious breakdown during my pregnancy and decided to hide it because he knew I was nervous about being pregnant and labor etc.. I can almost even understand why he’d hide his breakdown.. but not when it lead to something like that. You’re thinking he confided in her and she reeled him in.. nope, he didn’t tell her anything. Instead, she played the damsel in distress and he ran to her aid when she threatened to kill herself. That’s how things got too involved, but – we’ve gone through this in depth and discussed everything. We’ve been more open and honest with each other than we have been through our whole relationship I’d say. Our fights are more fair, our time together is more precious and we don’t take each other for granted. We are getting stronger and we’re doing quite well. The problem comes in with my self esteem. I used to feel confident, almost cocky, with my looks (I had gotten into really good shape before the baby) but the double whammy of the terrible event and the giant baby (over 9 pounds) caused so much devastation. I don’t know what to do to get my confidence back. I feel like a shell right now; I’m a good mom and I’ve already lost nearly 50 of the 65 pounds I gained during the pregnancy but I constantly feel deflated and subpar and I worry all the time that my husband doesn’t see me the way he used to. I’m sure this is more my problem than his, he probably feels the same about me he always has – but I don’t. I realize nothing I did caused him to do what he did, but I can’t get past it. Help 😦
– emerging from the ashes
Hey Joe! I’m kind of surprised more people haven’t written to your advice column! So far I think what advice you have given has been right on the money. I was kind of hesitant myself to write in, because of how close to me this issue is. Please don’t publish my name or e-mail. If you want, you can call me “Unfaithful”.
Here’s what happened. Before my husband was deployed, we had been trying hard to get pregnant. Each month as his deployment was getting closer, the pressure got worse. When we had just about given up hope, I finally got pregnant. It was wonderful! Shortly after he left, I began bleeding, and eventually lost the baby. I didn’t want to tell him, because this was his first deployment, and he was stressed enough as it was. I was devastated for about a month. With my husband being gone, I had kept a lot of the anguish to myself. Fortunately, I’ve always been good friends with his older brother. His brother and I were commiserating when something unexpected happened. We had sex. It doesn’t stop there though. We continued our little fling for a couple of weeks. Then I missed my period. Oh shit. Each time I talk to my husband, he asks about the baby. I tell him about the one I’m currently carrying, so he doesn’t know any different. The thing is, I feel horrible about this, or as the case may be whorable. I can’t tell him the truth now, because I’m not sure when he’ll be home. Do you think I should keep it to myself? I haven’t even told his brother anything yet. What should I do?
For the past couple of years I’ve been losing sleep. A lot of sleep. At first, it wasn’t so bad. It took me a little longer to finally fade away into the land of dreams. Eventually, it got so bad that I had to seek medical help. I attended a few sessions at a sleep disorder clinic. They watched my nightly routine from cameras all around the room, and monitored the changes in my body though a massive number of small wires glued into place all over my body. They monitored my heart rate, breathing, my eye movement, leg movement, anything they could possibly think of to monitor – they did. It was determined that I suffer from insomnia, and that I stop breathing when I do sleep. A double whammy to say the least. Over the course of a normal night’s sleep, the average person gets around two hours of REM sleep. It allows the mind to have the down time it needs to reset itself, and allow you to feel refreshed in the morning. Over the course of my night, I get 15 minutes. That’s it.
My mind never has enough time to reset. It never shuts off, and I almost never wake feeling refreshed. There are a few monumental problems with this scenario. First, is that I have a very active lifestyle. I have kids that are always on the run, and I have to keep up. At work, I walk between 7 and 10 miles per night, while pushing pallets of incredibly heavy ceramic. Doing so with no energy is impossible. I had to find a way to handle this thing, because it was getting bad fast.
I began to look into alternative energy sources. At first, I was using everyone’s go-to: coffee. The problem with coffee, is that caffeine is easy to build a tolerance against. What started as a cup each morning, turned into cups all day. Then it turned into cups all day, mixed with the occasional shot of espresso. Then cups of espresso. Then entire pots of espresso. Finally, I developed a solution that seemed to work: supercoffee. I would make a pot of espresso, discard the filter and used espresso grounds, and run the liquid back through with a new filter and more espresso. It was like rocket fuel. I had the energy to go finally. I could feel my heart pound, and I feel like the Incredible Hulk all day. I knew I couldn’t use this stuff for long, because anything that made you feel that way can’t be good for you. By this point, I was only trying to get about 4 hours of sleep or so per night. With everyone else in bed, I began to use the extra hours in my day to learn about sleep, and the effects of sleep loss.
What I found out, was I was killing myself. The supercoffee was exhaustive to my heart. The strain of never resetting my mind was putting extra strain on all of my systems. I had begun to lose my short term memory, and began to develop some remarkable personality traits that I hated; primarily, the one I referred to as Jekyll and Hyde syndrome. One minute, all was right in the world, the next minute I would want to burn it to the ground. Seriously, just that quick, without warning. I began to worry about the safety of those around me. I had become a danger. This wasn’t working. I needed a plan B that didn’t involve stimulants.
I began to read constantly. Looking for answers. What I found shocked me. I was reading a book on meditation, and realized that much like regular coffee wasn’t enough to do the trick, regular meditation wasn’t going to either. I created my own form of meditation. I call it Systemic Meditation. The way it works is simple. I would lay in bed at night, and close my eyes as normal. then I would visualize my heart beating. Then I would focus on slowing it down. When I couldn’t feel it beating anymore, I knew it had slowed. Then I went to work on my brain. The brain took a lot more work. It was like trying to work on a motor while it was running. I began to visualize lobes, then folds, then synapses, and eventually dendrites firing like spark plugs. I started shutting them off. I’d imagine the spark firing, then flickering…and the next thing I knew I was waking up the next morning. So far it’s been a success. My short term memory has taken a hit from the years of abuse, but it’s beginning to return. My body is beginning to respond as well. Last year I lost 27 pounds that I had managed to put on over the last ten years. I’ve always taken pretty decent care of myself, so to see the weight begin to fall off was a remarkable thing. The best part of all, Hyde is gone. I don’t even write under that name anymore. It’s been a rough couple of years, but there is a bright light getting bigger at the end of the tunnel now.
It’s about that time. I feel like I need to share what I really love in life. Two things: I love Snatch, and I love Star Wars. I love Snatch Wars! Now you can too!
Wow, things have changed since I wrote for my college newspaper. The best I could hope for and the worst possible issue was a disk formatting problem. I feel like a pilgrim in an unholy land (parenthetical documentation awarded to Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, of course). I’ll get the hang of all this eventually, so hipsters run for the hills! I’m coming for you. No one gets out alive, but no one also gets out without my wrath. Joe, a monster was created a long time ago, and you opened his sarcophagus. Let the humiliation begin…
I apologize in advance for the reposts you’re going to be seeing in your feed. I will be republishing some of my previous posts to include a language indicator for the posts that include profanity. This will allow my Facebook followers to read the posts they choose, based on content.
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Today was a beautiful day here in Pittsburgh. It was a little over 70° and the sun was shining bright. It was the perfect day for the park. I took my boys out for a day of outside time. First, we went to the baseball field where we took turns batting and fielding the ball. My three year old only wanted to bat, because that was the most fun, but he had to field if he wanted to bat.He tried to argue that he was just three years old, so he shouldn’t have to catch it. I made him do it anyway.
After that, we went to the playground. There were lots of kids there, and I watched them all interact from where I was sitting.After just a short time, my thoughts became introspective as they have a tendency to do. You can learn quite a bit sometimes from just sitting quietly, and paying attention. I watched all the kids crowd around the big sliding board ladder. One by one, they’d go up, and fly down as fast as they could. Every once in a while, a kid would get to the top, and get scared. Their mom would inevitably have to come and get them down. The big slide opened my eyes the most of any piece of equipment on the playground. It taught me that everyone wants to make it to the top in life, some even badly enough to push their friends out of the way to do it. It taught me that sometimes more than one person in a group can get to the top, but seldom do. It taught me that sometimes, when you finally get to the top, it’s scary and you won’t know what to do. Mostly though, it taught me that it’s less important to worry about climbing,and more important to remember to enjoy the ride.
The swings were pretty busy too. The kids actually had to line up and take turns for all but the one on the end. The ground beneath it had worn a lot lower, so the kid trying to swing didn’t have anyone to help push him. He was doing okay on his own anyway though. Sometimes that’s how it’s going to happen. Sometime in life, you may not have anyone on your side, behind you to push you. You’re going to have to work harder than everyone else to get to the same level they are on. If you try hard enough though, and stick with it, you’re going to be okay.
The jungle gym was a favorite of mine growing up. Apparently it’s not as popular today.There were only a few kids on it today. A pretty big kid with a sleeveless shirt and a mullet was on the top, claiming it for himself. He wasn’t going to let my boys play until he realized I was watching. Suddenly, the “King of the Hill” wanted to find somewhere else to play. Again, that’s the story of life, isn’t it? It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been at the top of your game, if you get careless with your mouth, someone will come along, and show you the way out.
Finally was the merry-go-round. I know you’re thinking I’m going to say “what goes around comes around” but your wrong. What I learned from that was much more valuable lesson even than that. I watched a kid spin his little brother (not my kids) so fast that his brother fell off and got hurt. I think he may have either sprained or broken his elbow. What I took from that was that regardless who they may be, if you push someone too hard or too fast, you can expect them to fly of the handle unexpectedly, and someone’s gonna get hurt. Possibly badly, even if it is someone you love.
What I took from our day out today:
1. You’re going to be asked to do things you don’t want to do in life. If you look hard enough to find it, there’ll be an excuse not to do it (“I’m only three years old.”). Go ahead and do it anyway, there’s probably a lesson to be learned in there somewhere.
2. Don’t be so busy trying to get to the top in life. It isn’t where you’re going that matters. It’s if you’ve enjoyed the ride. Besides, sometimes the top is scary, especially if your mommy can’t help you.
3. It’s a good idea to learn to push yourself. Get yourself moving, and stay that way. If you can, you might be in a world of your own.
4. If your fat, mullet sporting, sleeveless shirt wearing freakshow of a kid ever tries to stop my kids from doing something they have a right to do, expect him to come home crying. To state things a bit more diplomatically, sometimes there are obstacles in life. Sometimes they seem insurmountable. Surround yourself with the right people, and even the largest obstacles are not a problem.
5. People do things at the speed we are comfortable with. Going too fast can sometimes cause people you never want to hurt to get hurt. Slow down a bit. Life’s short, but it doesn’t have to be rushed.
What goes around comes around. 🙂 You didn’t see that one coming did you?
Last night, I went to the movies alone. I’m okay doing things alone I have to, and I think that any well-adjusted individual should be. As I was leaving the movies, I had gotten a text message from a good friend, Tom Nardone. Tom was worried about some things that I had told him I was planning to do. He told me he was in either way, but was worried about me in the end. I have to say that it isn’t often that I get support like that from my friends. Most of the time, it turns into an arms-length transaction. Sort of as if to say “Do whatever you want, but don’t get me involved.” I think it’s that way for the majority of people. “Do what you will, it’s your problem though.”
I have to say that I’ve been fortunate. I don’t just have one good friend like that. I have four. These guys are like the U.S. Marines of friends. They are the first ones there when I need them, and they are the last to leave…in fact, they never have left.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that good friends are hard to come by. I’ve only done it four times in 35 years. If you find somone that is willing to give their everything to protect yours, hang onto them tight, and don’t let go. Thanks Tom for putting things back into some sort of reasonable perspective for me. You are absolutely one of the four.
Isn’t alliteration sexy?
Topic of the day: Is there a clear set of rules for how to approach and keep a relationship? (If so, please email me a copy.) 😉
I’m going to be using Stephen Hedger’s guidelines; his job title is “Marriage Adviser & Divorce Prevention Specialist” so his rules are practically the Holy Grail for relationships.
I’ll highlight each rule in bold and dissect it myself beneath.
Are you excited?
…Not in that way, pervert.
Let’s get to it!
1. Never assume your partner is trying to hurt you
…unless they are carrying a knife and/or are currently choosing “101 Ways To Hurt Your Partner” as their hot bedtime read.
2. Never make your partner wrong
They commit a crime, ie. cheating (come on, that’s pretty criminal) and you’re expected to role out the red carpet?
3. Never threaten the end of the relationship (unless you really mean it!)
If you’re threatening to end the relationship, you’re unhappy anyway so I’d advise you to go for it, commit to it.
It may be difficult when you’re asked the reasons and you can’t make your partner wrong (seriously, what?!). Perhaps use the most sickening line in all of relationship history, “It’s not you. It’s me.” Pass me a paper bag, won’t you darling?
4. Never pull your love away
Unless 1, 2 or 3 have already occurred.
5. Never make your relationship all about YOU!
But if we don’t talk about me, what else is there to talk about?
6. Always make your partner feel No1 in your life
I didn’t know that we had LEAGUE TABLES, shit just got serious.
7. Always make your partners needs your needs too
He needs to pee, so I got to pee too? He wants to become transgender so I have to…no, no, no, draw the line people.
8. Always look for ways to help your partner feel great about themselves
I’ll use a classic example:
“Does my bum look big in this?”
NO, ALWAYS NO. No hesitation, no pause for thought, not even one single breath. The answer is NO and it’s in cannon succession to the question. Got it?
9. Always make unconditional love your priority (it will cost you if you don’t)
Okay (How much?)
10. Always make time for your relationship every day
I can schedule you in next… hmm, let me have a lookyloo here, Tuesday? Is Tuesday good for you too? Trust me, I am an expert in failing relationships, diary appointments work.
And that, ladies and gentleman, is my advice. The most it will cost you is a click on the ‘like’ button, if it’s not too much hassle for your chubby little digit. Be thankful, Hedger is charging £12,500 + VAT for a 3-month program! Is that the going rate for love these days? He must think he’s pretty motherfunking special… for that price you could buy yourself a hot new bride.
Look at how much she does not want to kiss the paedophile.
Hey beautiful bloggers (I promise this isn’t a bribe to get you to like me but… if it was, would it work?),
I know what you’re thinking, “oh my, Joe has changed!” but you are mistaken. I’ve been given the keys to Joe’s pad. I’m presuming that he has allowed me this access because every man needs a woman in their life to prettify things and I will fulfil this duty to the max here.
Look, how pretty!!!!
(Joe is immediately regretting his decision)
I’m also flying the flag for the United Kingdom. I wish that I could be more enthusiastic about this for you.
No, really. I’m here to occasionally chime in with my opinion, a female’s perspective (otherwise known as the right one). 😉
Whilst Joe gives his best not-trying-to-be-a-pervert-but-secretly-checking-you-out glances at Summertime Girls, I am on the receiving end of such behaviour. I live in a world where I am legitimately asked, “Are you wearing Star Wars underwear?” …awkward face… “Because your bum is out of this world!” Again, I stress, that this is a legitimate set of sentences verbalised in my direction. Cringe.
I’ll be mainly here to address nuances that the female readers can nod in relation too and the males can be educated on why they have been single for their entire lives.
Kidding. Despite what I might say, I generally find that I have better friendships with the opposite sex. I like to think that I have a fair, honest and educated understanding of both.
Before I get stuck into the beef of this burger, I thought that a little intro would be nice so that you know me.
Hi, I’m Adele!
The night was scorching hot. He’d heard a song on the radio that made him think of her. It had been a while since they’d done anything wild together. It was going to happen tonight though. Tonight, she was wanting; and he was in the mood for giving.
He opened the door, and walked outside. She sat waiting, and wanting. She was the sexiest thing on four wheels, and she was all his. He slid his fingers along her smooth hood as he approached the door. He knew exactly what she needed, and tonight he was going to give her all that she could handle. He opened the door and slipped inside. He felt the leather seat rubbing gently against his back. He pulled out his key, and slid it in. She began to purr from under her hood. The sound of it always excited him. He knew what was coming soon.
He was sweating already, so he slid the registers open, and felt her breath on his skin. It was warm at first, but after a few minutes, began to cool. His skin prickled as it did. He eased his foot onto the pedal and listed to her purr turn into a rumble. She was ready, and he was willing. As her cool breath continued to lick his skin, she began to drip underneath. It was almost time for action. He put his hand on the wheel, and could feel the gentle vibration of her motor beating like a heart. He revved the engine again to hear her rumble. He reached out a hand and found the radio volume knob. He rolled the knob between his fingers slightly, until he heard her begin to sing to him in Paul Stanley’s voice. “I’ve got a body built for sin, and an appetite for passion. I can see the road to ruin, and I’m looking for some action…” With that, he let her have what she’d been waiting for. He released the clutch, and hammered the pedal. Her tires tore at the pavement in lust, her engine roared, and together they began to move. He gripped the wheel tight in one hand, but kept the other on the shifter lightly, being careful not to force it. His heart began to thunder in his chest as the two of them charged down the road. He’d never pushed her this hard before, but she didn’t seem to mind. Ahead, there were curves that made his wonder how much she would be able to handle before losing control. He eased off the pedal, and he heard a low moan of disappointment. He hammered down again, and she responded immediately. When they got to the curves he held on tight, pulling her first one way, then the other. Beneath him, he felt her writhe through the curves with the grace of an expert. Why wouldn’t she? She was built for this. They rode on together for a while, pushing each other harder and faster than the other thought was possible. Finally, he eased off of the pedal, and he listened as her wild heart slowed to a rumble, then again to a purr. He pulled back into the driveway, and turned the key. He sat still for minute, letting his own excitement fade, never taking his hand off the wheel. Finally, when he felt he could, he opened the door, and got out. He stood beside her for a few minutes, listening to the ticking of the engine as it cooled. She got what she was wanting tonight, and so had he. He slid his hand from her top, and down her hood slowly as he walked towards the house. When he reached the door of the house he turned and looked back. There was a small puddle under her, coming from the air conditioning condenser. She’d given what she’d taken tonight. There was no doubt about that. He smiled, and walked inside.