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Monthly Archives: May 2013

The Captain is Back at the Wheel

Seems I’ve been away for so long…

Life for about a month or so has been absolutely nuts for me. Would I relive it? You bet your ass I would. Who doesn’t love a rollercoaster? Anyway, effective tomorrow, Hey Joe! is back on track. Enjoy the tune!

A Wifey’s Guide to Entertaining the In-Laws

So for those of us who are quite aware that our in-laws are going to scrutinize our every move, and in our own homes, no less; or, for those of us who would like to avoid the messy business of the possibilities of in-laws all-together : an in-law prophylactic, if you will; I present to you, the ultimate in sarcastic home finery and their slightly classier alternatives that still manage to say “Get the fuck out.”


When you’re:

1. Serving ice tea to your loving family –




Because if you didn’t advertise it, how would they know?


Feeling a little more classy? Let them know that just seeing them makes you drink.. out of this lovely vintage inspired flask.
both at http://www.urbanoutfitters.com


2. Entertaining in the sitting room –


tacky41295$12.95, Tip: make sure you put out reading material that expresses your genuine hopes of spending time with them.


Make sure there is relatable material for the moments you’re in the kitchen sneaking a xanax.


classy4995$9.95, Both at http://www.urbanoutfitters.com


3. Giving a tour of your perfectly appointed home –


tacky2$5.00 So they‘ll know they needn‘t express opinions.

My house not clean enough for you? Oh now, where’s that rats ass I was going to give?
Both patterns at http://www.shop.subversivecrossstitch.com


4. Letting mom-mom and pop-pop help with bed time –


tacky3916$9.16, What, you don’t love the baby enough to read a story?


Even the baby thinks you’re an asshole.


Both at http://www.findgift.com

4. Presenting a gift on a special day –


tacky979.99, Is it time to leave already?


But we went all out on this!


classy99999.99, Both at http://www.wayfair.com


Things I think I know, I know…

How I see things, you get that shot of daylight… That non-blind eye that reassures you; it let’s you feel comfortable discussing what should be absurd. You’re hit with it in stride and you understand:


I know that when I’m talking to a woman about my “love life” she’s either my 3rd ex-twice-removed or my soon-to-be-ex. – KGC

“People who talk in metaphors should shampoo my crotch.” – Jack

If you’re in a situation where love and money are involved, take the money. It’s less messy and it stacks. – KGC

A toast: “To the orgiastic future that year by year recedes before us…” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

I know about people. I know that people are common and infinite and boring and brazen. People have the capacity for Nobel Prizes, and have the ability to go through life illiterate. – KGC

I know the first three Black Sabbath Albums by heart; and Black Flag and Danzig ran through my head as a teen, but none of their music ever made me want to reduce their fanbase – KGC

I know, I know…

The Hardest Night

It’s been interesting to be me for at least the last year or so of my life. I left 10 years of my life behind to work for a company that I knew little about. I knew it paid well, and had incredible benefits, but that was about it. A year later, after working there quite literally night and day essentially non-stop, I know three times as much as I did a year ago: we get paid well, we have incredible benefits, we work ridiculously hard hours, we don’t seem to age (this is really weird), no one seems to know exactly what we make, and the Vice President drops by from time to time.

The last week of nights, have been well…hell. I work with some pretty impressive individuals, and not to toot my own horn, I do my job excessively well. Apparently, that’s a fact that hasn’t gone unnoticed by management. On Monday (Sunday night), I was shadowed for an entire shift by the owner’s son. Working that closely with someone that hasn’t ever seen you work is a bit nerve-wracking. He had some kind of high tech tool that he was using to report my every move back to the office.The seven and a half hours he shadowed me felt more like 14 weeks. It pissed me off that they would spring a surprise like that on me. Even my supervisors weren’t aware that it was going to happen till they showed up for work, and he was in the building. My anger response: to set records for the shit that I make. I crushed every other shift, essentially on my own. It was by far, the hardest night I’ve ever worked at this job. Why? Because in order to report my movements, wherever I walked, he walked. My pedometer read 13.6 miles.

I tried to kill him.


Hey Joe’s Top 5 Love Songs (All Genres)

I read somewhere that people like lists, and the top (whatever number) lists especially. That being the case, I thought I would take my top 5 lists, and take the number 1’s and make them a list of the top 5. Confused yet? No? Good! Let’s do this!

5. Norah Jones – Turn Me On (Adult Contemporary)

This made number one on my list of sexy songs. I think it goes without saying why..

4. Survivor – Can’t Hold Back (80’s Rock)

I love how well written this song is, and it’s pretty upbeat to be a love song.

3. Kiss – Forever (Rock)

I liked this song the first time I heard it. I’m sure I’m going to catch some shit from Tom Nardone for putting this at only number 3!

2. Travis Tritt – Drift off to Dream (Country)

I’m not much for country music, but this song is incredibly well written, and very well performed. The lyrical imagery is impossible to top.

1. The Five Satins – In The Still Of the Night (Oldies)

Probably my favorite song of the era.

Top 5’s are hard for me. There are so many incredible songs available to choose from. These are the best in their category in my opinion. If you disagree, leave me your top 5 list in the comments and we’ll discuss! Tomorrow night, Top 5 songs that make me feel like taking over the world! Tom Nardone, I’m sorry!

Ovulating in the Play Area

Today I went for dinner at Chic-Fil-A. I don’t eat there often. Primarily because it’s always crowded. The one closest to my house is around 20 minutes away. Today I found myself sitting next to a glass wall beside the play area while I ate. Typically, I don’t give a shit what’s going on in there. Those places disgust me. They are a mosh pit of germs that I want no fucking part of.  Today, as i was sitting, questioning the glass wall’s ability to contain the funk on the otherside, it occured to me what I was seeing. Amongst the 5 or 6 kids small enough to be playing in there, was what appeared to be an entire junior highschool. I’m not talking about smaller kids. The boys looked old enough to drive, and the girls were wearing bras…or should have been. I know it comes as a terrible shock, but I was more than irritated that the few little kids weren’t able to play because the casts of 90210 and Saved By The Bell were taking over the place. As I watched, the invaders began to play very aggresively close to the small kids. The smaller ones backing against the wall in an attempt not to get hurt by the idiots that were where they shouldn’t be in the first place. The teenagers parents? No where to be found.

I went apeshit.

I swung the door open to the germ cesspool, and screamed at the kids involving themselves in the aggression. I told them that they were too old to be in there in the first place, much less behaving the way they were around the little ones. 

One girl, with a set of double D’s told me she wasn’t too old. I told her if she was grown up enough to wear a bra, she was too grown up to be in there.

In other words, if you’re old enough to create children, keep your big ass out of the play area.

Lazy Mother HELP!

Hey Joe,

You can call me Jade.
I’m an eighteen year old daughter of a lazy mother. Currently in college, I am worried about my little sisters and father that I have abandoned at home. I feel selfish and guilty for leaving, because now all of the chores and responsibilities are left to my father. When I come home to visit, my father’s eyes are a bit redder, a bit more sunken in, his back is a bit more slumped, his hands are a bit more shaky, and his face is a bit more wrinkled. It hurts me so much to see him slowly deteriorate in front of me. He is becoming lifeless, humorless, and quiet. My mother quit her job and has been unemployed for a while now. She claimed that she “needed a break”..but from what? After work every day, she would resume to watching television in her room.

What frustrates me the most is that my mother constructs this illusion to her family and friends that she is being an ideal  mother! She impresses them by calling them up on days that she actually does the laundry or actually picks up the kids from school. (Which are very rare occasions). She would be admired and pampered with compliments and sayings from her friends, “How do you do it?!” Well…quite frankly, she doesn’t do it. She doesn’t do anything!

When we bring her faults to her attention, she would quickly become offended and walk away, denying any evidence of her laziness. Her defense being, “Remember that time I cleaned the house for you?” or “What do you mean I don’t spend time with you, I just took you all out to the movies last weekend!” Money is her tool of manipulation, as she buys my sisters games and toys for their affection.

Today, my father is putting my mother back through school, carrying on with all of the housework, and serving as the only source of income to the household. He has threatened to get a divorce from my mother multiple times in the past, but she pulls a guilt card on him, saying “what about the kids? We need to stay together for them” It’s a tough situation because although my dad is frustrated with her, he’s not heartless. If he were to get a divorce, she would have nothing…no money, no family, no job.

I want this family to mend somehow! I don’t want my sisters to grow up having a mother that won’t be one. It’s scarring to have a mom that is in plain view, yet you can’t seem to reach her or connect with her. She just turns her back, teasingly, as she continues to engulf herself in the fictional dramas of the television screen.

I don’t want to lose my father. I don’t want his health to fail him. But at the same time, I don’t want to lose my mother either, and I would never want that for my sisters.

What should be done? What can I do?

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