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Monthly Archives: March 2013

My book is finally out!

After like a kazillion rewrites, edits, and being disqualified from at least one writing contest because of the use of: profanity, violence against a department store Santa, a seven year old kid that smokes, and the promotion of thievery of Salvation Army collection pots, (all of which is in one story, called “Letters to Santa”) my book is now available on Amazon.com! It’s a collection of short stories that are in my opinion, pretty bad-ass! The very first story in the book is about how Rasputin’s daughter would handle it if somebody fucked with her daughter. I won’t give it away, but it isn’t pretty. If you get a chance, and would like to help me out, pick it up here:

http://www.amazon.com/Mother-other-Unsettling-Rumors-ebook/dp/B00C0ZTHHU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1364268550&sr=8-1&keywords=mother+anna+and+other+unsettling+rumors

Steubenville Rape Case

Soooo unless you live under a rock, you have probably heard about this thing. I heard about it a while back when Anonymous started putting the info and stuff out there. This whole thing pisses me the fuck off. The girl in this case was given a date rape drug, then repeatedly raped by who knows how many of the little fuckers, and the whole time it was either being recorded on cell phones, or tweeted about. At one point, this little piece…fuck it. Watch the video.

Ok. That little asshole and all of his friends need to be sent to serious “Pound-Me-In-The-Ass prison”, or handed over to a guy like me. I know it’s hard to conceive, based on all of the other posts here, but I am a fucking nuclear power plant of bad ideas.  I would do some shit to those little thugs that would give Stephen King bad dreams. There are P.O.W.s from Nam that had it easier than those guys would if they would just hand them over to me. You would be amazed at just how much pain you can cause with just a box of 3″ wood screws, a drill,  and a ball-peen hammer.

That girl had no chance whatsoever to defend herself.  Now that the case has wrapped, the media is being super sympathetic to those little pieces of garbage. In fact, based on CNN’s sympathy for those “poor boys that had their futures destroyed” I would like for anyone that reads this to join me in sending the powers that be at CNN the message that the RAPE VICTIM here is the one that was victimized, not those poor boys.

I’m Surrounded by Assholes

As you have probably determined by now, my outlook on the world is pretty bleak. It really didn’t use to be. I started wondering what caused this. I remember not being so non optimistic. (This is not to be confused with being pessimistic. I am not a pessimist. I don’t always go around expecting bad shit to happen, I’m just not shocked when it does.) Anyway, I think I’ve found my answer. I’m surrounded these days by a bunch of assholes. These people today are absolutely fucking nuts. You read on Google News every other day where some parent did something awful to their kid, causing the kid to die. When did things get this bad? Why are there so many bad people in the world? The answer: because we let them be. We need to start making our correctional institutions the last place on fucking Earth that anyone would ever want to be. Fill them up with the worst shit you can find: bees, snakes, vermin, mother-in-laws, spiders…shit like that. Stop making it so easy to pull time. Make it at least a near-death experience every time. If you think there’s a pretty good chance that if you fuck up, that you’ll die, you’ll be far less likely to. That’s just my opinion….then again, assholes will probably always be assholes.

Hey Joe! Presents: How to Turn a Traffic Ticket Into a Serious Offense

If you’re like me, whenever you get pulled over by the police, two thoughts immediately cross your mind: “Man, this sure is exciting! I’d love to take it to another level though.” If that describes you too, then you are in luck! Hey Joe! Online has finally pooled our resources, (through a lot of trial and error), and has come up with a few great ways to step up your next traffic stop! (Please keep in mind, that results may vary, and you may have to combine several of the following to achieve your desired result.)

Scenario Goal 1: Instead of allowing officer to get away with just a ticket, opt for jail.

How-to: Travel down the highway cautiously, being sure to yield the right of way, whenever applicable. Drive around until you notice a police car. Once you have located target, proceed to follow for approximately a mile. Once you feel comfortable that the officer is aware of your presence, begin alternating between your high and low beams to signal to the officer in front of you that he needs to pull over. Once both vehicles are safely on the side of the road, approach the officer’s vehicle from the passenger side.If the officer attempts to exit his/her vehicle, verbally command them to remain in the vehicle for their safety. Once you’ve reached the passenger door, greet the officer, and ask to see his license and badge. Again if officer attempts to exit the vehicle, command them to remain inside. Shine a flashlight inside the vehicle, and scan for any drugs or weapons in plain view. If you do not have a flashlight, use a lighter, or if necessary, light a match. If you have to use matches, remember to ignite the match inside the officer’s vehicle, as it will help remove any offending odors. Again, state that the officer needs to remain inside their vehicle. Since the officer will clearly not be remaining inside the vehicle, enter the vehicle from the front passenger side. Lock the doors. With any luck, the keys will still be in the ignition. If this is the case, turn the radio to the first available classic rock station, and listen to Steve Miller singing about “Big Old Jed Had A Light On” (Jet Airliner) at full volume. Once the passenger side window has been removed by the officer, and you have been gently removed from the front, and placed in the back, consider your goal complete.

Scenario Goal 2: Gain popularity with the local police department, by assisting with K9 training.

As before, pull officer over to the shoulder safely. Again, approach from the passenger side of the vehicle, and request to see his license and badge. It’s generally at this point in the stop that one of two things could happen: 1) the officer immediately exits the vehicle against your command, or 2) he will look at you seriously, and ask if you are on drugs. In the event of option one, see suggestion listed above. For option 2, look back at the officer, and state: “Just the ones I have in my car.” It’s at this point the officer will ask to search your vehicle. The appropriate response is to calmly state, while still maintaining your stare, “Only if you want your ass kicked.” Once the officer exits his vehicle, it is imperative that you demand that he remove his weapons at once, and surrender. I don’t expect that to happen, but he will probably radio a K9 unit to come and assist with the search while he’s kicking your ass. As the officer approaches you to commence said ass-kicking, I find it useful to encourage him to walk faster by saying things like, “I wish I had a swing like that in my backyard”, and “Hey baby! You want some fries to go with that shake?” Once the K9 officer arrives, tell him to keep the dog away from the trunk, because you don’t want him to eat the rest of your weed. When they discover there is no weed in the trunk, say you think you forgot that you put it under the seat. When they move the dog to the front of the vehicle, tell him to be careful that the dog doesn’t shoot himself with the pistol under there.

Scenario Goal 3: Help alleviate officer frustration through the use of exercise.

Unlike in the previous two scenarios, this one requires you to allow the officer to pull you over. Make sure to pull over at the top of a steep decline for optimal results. Once pulled over, put the car in neutral, and turn the key enough to kill the engine, but not lock the steering. As the officer approaches, stick your head out of the window, and ask what the problem is. While doing so, slowly lift your foot from the brake, allowing the car to begin rolling. Be sure to allow the car to roll fast enough to maintain the same distance between the officer and your car as when you started. The officer will tell you to stop the vehicle, explain that you are trying to, but it won’t stop. Allow yourself a decent lead before stopping.  This will cause the officer to walk a few hundred feet extra back to his car to run your license. keep watching for the officer to return in the mirror. as he approaches again, slowly let off of the brake again, and begin to coast. Begin yelling “It’s doing it again! What do I do?!” He’ll offer some advice while running after your vehicle. Once he’s running nearly full speed, slam on the brake, and let him run past you. It’s very difficult to stop running downhill. Once he’s past you, start the car, pull into the driving lane, and pull beside the officer to offer him a ride back to his car.

Gollum

This dude stumbled across Hey Joe! last night. I checked out his blog because WordPress told me I should, and for once, they were right! This dude’s fucking hilarious. Don’t take my word for it though, take a look for yourself…

thoughtsandrantsinjoggingpants

For those of you that haven’t watched any of the ‘Lord Of The Rings’ movies, Gollum is a (oh god, I really want to bail out of this explanation, but I also want to give you some context….but this really isn’t what the blog is about, I just named it Gollum because it reminded me of something else, but I don’t want to summarize the plot of the movie franchise just to use the analogy…… maybe I could go with a really quick explanation that only tells you the part I need you to know for the blog….. Done!) tortured conflicted character with a dual personality (phew). One ego is pretty cool, and alter-ego is pure evil. Some of the most fascinating parts of this movie are when they show up on-screen at the same time and argue with each other (Or maybe I should use the Fight Club example…

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Reasons I Might Have To Punch You in the Throat

As I’m sure most of you are aware, I’m well on my way to being a grouchy-assed 35 year old man. For some indiscernible reason, I’ve managed to somehow lose every bit of patience that I had in my earlier years for my fellow man. I’d like to issue this as a formal notice there there are a few things that will cause me to say “Fuck personal restraint. I need to punch this dude in the throat.” Allow me to name a sampling of such things…

1. When a grown adult can’t fucking manage to eat with their mouth closed. This sends me over the edge faster than a Kardashian publicity stunt. I don’t want to see, or worse, hear the shit that you’ve managed to shovel into that gaping maw of a cramhole you call a mouth. It’s one of those noises that I associate with someone wanting me to assist them with suicide.

2. Assholes that buy SUVs and drive them like they’re made of glass. Just buy a God-damned Corvette or Mercedes if you want to show off your money, you prick. It’s a Sport Utility Vehicle, not a Sealed Unused Vagina;it’s not going to hurt it all all if you get rough with it. I promise. In fact, I personally know for a fact that many vaginas are used used way less gently than that Sport Utility Vehicle you just overpaid for, and guess what? They’re still perfectly fine.

3. Idiots that try to argue over religions. Look dickheads, religion is an individual sport. It’s like golf. Regardless which tournament the players play in, in the end, each is responsible for themselves. I understand you believe your way. If you try to force me to believe what you want to believe, I’ll help you determine if you chose the right one to believe in by cutting off your air supply.

4.People getting into a short checkout line in front of me, then sending their accomplice to get shit they didn’t because they wanted to be in the short line. Fuck you. We’re here in the impulse aisle together. You send someone to finish shopping while you’re in front of me, and I won’t resist the impulse to pick up one of these lighters that look like a giant fucking match, and set you on fire. You should’ve sent your buddy to aisle 11 to get an extinguisher.

5. Old people that think just because they are 30,000 years old, they can get away with being rude. You know these people, they talk shit like they’re thirty, threaten to hit you with their cane if you don’t take your hand out of their purse, and use racial slurs as though the 1960’s never happened. Fuck you, Gramps. You think I won’t I won’t move all of the Walmart scooters to the back of the store by the hunting supplies? Try me.

This is just a quick gripe…

I’m so sick of lame ass sitcoms. If you need help identifying if you are watching one, here’s a tip. If something goes missing on a show, and someone talks about needing to find out who took it -causing one of the main characters to show up in a fucking trenchcoat and fedora as if 1000 years later, a Dick Tracy allusion is relevent, you are in fact watching a shitty sitcom…or shitcom as I will be referring to them from this point forward.

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