After the HUGE success of my article on ways to get your ass kicked (http://heyjoeonline.com/2013/02/20/hey-joe-presentsthings-that-will-cause-you-to-get-your-ass-kicked), and by that, I mean all six of my readers liked it, I’ve decided to offer advice to those who wish to seek employment elsewhere. This may help you if you hate your current job, but don’t have the balls to quit. As with my previous how-to guide, this is in no way meant to be a complete guide, merely something to help you form your own bad ideas that will cause errors in judgement. Let’s get to it, shall we?
1. Donuts. Buy a dozen donuts from a local bakery, (not rings, the kind they fill). You could deliver these donuts that appear to be filled, but aren’t. People will be mildly let down, but not angry. This is not our style. Mediocrity serves no one. No, we kick things up to about a 12. Using a cake decorating bag, and a rosebud tip, fill the bag with condiments of your choosing. I choose either Mayo, or sour cream. Not real sour creme, but creme that has gone bad. Insert the tip approximately 1 inch into the donut, and fill. Do not overfill, Use a can of Redi-Whip to fill the holes. Once the donuts are finished, take into work when no one is looking with a sign that states “Help Yourself”.
2. The phone system. Most modern offices are equipped with a central telephone system. These are the type of phones that will let you transfer calls between offices, and join conference calls. To liven things up on a Monday morning, wait until upper management is gathered in the conference room for a call. Minutes before the expected call, dial a sex line, and do a blind transfer (when you transfer a call without it being announced). To further use the phone system to seal your doom, contact the IRS. When you’ve selected the option to report a case of tax fraud, blind transfer to your boss’s voicemail. They love that!
3.The coffee. The key here is to get to work early, (as before) and make coffee as usual. Once the coffee is finished, add two cups of Metamucil. It won’t take long for it to melt, and results will be noticeable.
4. The old “Set my boss’s car on fire trick”. I don’t really need to explain this one, as it is completed the same way as outlined in your “How to be a Total Asshole” booklet.
5. Attend a meeting. Be sure to wear a freshly pressed suit. Whenever your boss begins to speak, stand up, and announce: “I’m sorry Jim, somebody should have told you this by now. We’re letting you go. Cathy from accounting is going to be our new VP. Be sure to clean out your cubical.” Then walk him to the door with a comforting hand on his back. This is extremely effective if his name isn’t Jim, there is no Cathy in accounting, and he doesn’t have a cubical.
6. The engineer. Ever had to put together office furniture? It’s a pain in the ass. Trust me. A great way to become unemployed, is to disassemble everyone in the office’s furniture but your own. Then, be sure to call your boss to let him or her know that you’ll be coming in a few hours late. When asked for the reason, explain that you were up late working on some office furniture.
Obviously, there’s a ton of other ideas that I haven’t mentioned here, but I have to get ready for work. I’m trying to get there early. I have donuts.