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Hey Joe! Presents: Fun With Hitchhikers!
Hello! I’m back…this time for good. The ride is over, and I’ve exited the vehicle. It’s time to get back to doing what I do: helping you get the most out of bad situations you’ve created for yourself! Tonight, I’d like to discuss a dying species: the hitchhiker. Hitchhikers are far more scarce these days than in the 60’s and 70’s, but if you’re fortunate enough to find one, I can help!
The general arrangement between driver and hitchhiker is this: “Hey Bro, you’re headed (pick a direction), I’d like to share your vehicle space, while offering nothing back except the vague aroma of marijuana from my jacket. You won’t kill me, I won’t kill you, and you can drop me wherever you want, or where I need to get out – whichever comes first. Deal?”
Now that the basics are covered, let’s begin…
1. The Short Trip – This particular move is one of my all-time favorites! Essentially, you pull over to the side of the road and allow the hitchhiker to approach your vehicle. As is always the rule, when the handle is reached for, pull the vehicle forward several feet, and stop. Repeat until no longer amused. Once the derelict victim rider has entered the vehicle, pull the vehicle forward a couple feet, and stop again. Do this several times,totaling around 15 feet before explaining that sometimes the vehicle “Needs a little push” in order to get moving again. Ask him to oblige. Once he exits the vehicle, and begins to walk to the rear of the vehicle, simply accelerate back into the lane, and leave.
2. The Heist – This one occurs whenever you happen to pick up a hitchhiker on the highway near a bank. As stated before, perform necessary pull forward maneuver, and allow bum car-less asshole rider to enter vehicle. Explain that you’ll take him wherever he needs to go, but you absolutely HAVE to stop by the bank first. Upon arriving at the bank, reach into back seat, and grab backpack. Go inside, and ask if you can use the restroom. As you are about to exit the bank, put on ski mask. Run to the vehicle, and accelerate away at break-neck speed. Remove ski-mask,and calmly ask passenger for a destination while speeding away from the bank.
3. The Narcoleptic – Simple enough…Once useless piece of garbage homeless transient passenger is allowed to get in, make small talk. Be extremely friendly, and offer a bit of information about yourself like the fact that you are narcoleptic. Explain that it’s okay though, because you only fall asleep when excited like those goats on Youtube. Ease onto the highway. (Begin irritation mode.) Start following the car in front of you a little too close. Continue making small talk as though everything is fine. Make some derogatory statements about the driver in front of you, and their ability to drive. Follow lead car for a couple miles, and announce that you’re going to pass them. ease off the accelerator, and allow several car lengths between you and the lead car. Quickly swerve into the passing lane and accelerate as you are passing the other car, allow your head to drop as though you’ve fallen asleep. Immediately jerk your head up and scream “Oh shit!” as though you’ve just woken up while driving. The shock of it should cause your head to drop again. Continue rapid waking-sleeping sequence until past other car.
4. The Sunday Driver – Another of my favorites! Once loser from Loserville idiot pothead passenger is inside vehicle, explain that he’s in great hands in your vehicle! You’ve NEVER had an accident while transporting a passenger! Ease onto the highway. Continue to give safety tips to the passenger about road safety. Explain that by never exceeding 13 miles per hour, there is about an 87% chance that should there be a collision, both you and the passenger will escape unharmed. Turn the radio onto the local bluegrass station, and explain that it just doesn’t get any better than cruising with good friends, and listening to some good music.
If none of these options prove to give a satisfactory result, let me know about it. Write me at ask.heyjoe@gmail.com, and I’ll give you some other suggestions!
Hey Joe’s Top 5 Love Songs (All Genres)
I read somewhere that people like lists, and the top (whatever number) lists especially. That being the case, I thought I would take my top 5 lists, and take the number 1’s and make them a list of the top 5. Confused yet? No? Good! Let’s do this!
5. Norah Jones – Turn Me On (Adult Contemporary)
This made number one on my list of sexy songs. I think it goes without saying why..
4. Survivor – Can’t Hold Back (80’s Rock)
I love how well written this song is, and it’s pretty upbeat to be a love song.
3. Kiss – Forever (Rock)
I liked this song the first time I heard it. I’m sure I’m going to catch some shit from Tom Nardone for putting this at only number 3!
2. Travis Tritt – Drift off to Dream (Country)
I’m not much for country music, but this song is incredibly well written, and very well performed. The lyrical imagery is impossible to top.
1. The Five Satins – In The Still Of the Night (Oldies)
Probably my favorite song of the era.
Top 5’s are hard for me. There are so many incredible songs available to choose from. These are the best in their category in my opinion. If you disagree, leave me your top 5 list in the comments and we’ll discuss! Tomorrow night, Top 5 songs that make me feel like taking over the world! Tom Nardone, I’m sorry!
Hey Joe! Presents: How to Turn a Traffic Ticket Into a Serious Offense
If you’re like me, whenever you get pulled over by the police, two thoughts immediately cross your mind: “Man, this sure is exciting! I’d love to take it to another level though.” If that describes you too, then you are in luck! Hey Joe! Online has finally pooled our resources, (through a lot of trial and error), and has come up with a few great ways to step up your next traffic stop! (Please keep in mind, that results may vary, and you may have to combine several of the following to achieve your desired result.)
Scenario Goal 1: Instead of allowing officer to get away with just a ticket, opt for jail.
How-to: Travel down the highway cautiously, being sure to yield the right of way, whenever applicable. Drive around until you notice a police car. Once you have located target, proceed to follow for approximately a mile. Once you feel comfortable that the officer is aware of your presence, begin alternating between your high and low beams to signal to the officer in front of you that he needs to pull over. Once both vehicles are safely on the side of the road, approach the officer’s vehicle from the passenger side.If the officer attempts to exit his/her vehicle, verbally command them to remain in the vehicle for their safety. Once you’ve reached the passenger door, greet the officer, and ask to see his license and badge. Again if officer attempts to exit the vehicle, command them to remain inside. Shine a flashlight inside the vehicle, and scan for any drugs or weapons in plain view. If you do not have a flashlight, use a lighter, or if necessary, light a match. If you have to use matches, remember to ignite the match inside the officer’s vehicle, as it will help remove any offending odors. Again, state that the officer needs to remain inside their vehicle. Since the officer will clearly not be remaining inside the vehicle, enter the vehicle from the front passenger side. Lock the doors. With any luck, the keys will still be in the ignition. If this is the case, turn the radio to the first available classic rock station, and listen to Steve Miller singing about “Big Old Jed Had A Light On” (Jet Airliner) at full volume. Once the passenger side window has been removed by the officer, and you have been gently removed from the front, and placed in the back, consider your goal complete.
Scenario Goal 2: Gain popularity with the local police department, by assisting with K9 training.
As before, pull officer over to the shoulder safely. Again, approach from the passenger side of the vehicle, and request to see his license and badge. It’s generally at this point in the stop that one of two things could happen: 1) the officer immediately exits the vehicle against your command, or 2) he will look at you seriously, and ask if you are on drugs. In the event of option one, see suggestion listed above. For option 2, look back at the officer, and state: “Just the ones I have in my car.” It’s at this point the officer will ask to search your vehicle. The appropriate response is to calmly state, while still maintaining your stare, “Only if you want your ass kicked.” Once the officer exits his vehicle, it is imperative that you demand that he remove his weapons at once, and surrender. I don’t expect that to happen, but he will probably radio a K9 unit to come and assist with the search while he’s kicking your ass. As the officer approaches you to commence said ass-kicking, I find it useful to encourage him to walk faster by saying things like, “I wish I had a swing like that in my backyard”, and “Hey baby! You want some fries to go with that shake?” Once the K9 officer arrives, tell him to keep the dog away from the trunk, because you don’t want him to eat the rest of your weed. When they discover there is no weed in the trunk, say you think you forgot that you put it under the seat. When they move the dog to the front of the vehicle, tell him to be careful that the dog doesn’t shoot himself with the pistol under there.
Scenario Goal 3: Help alleviate officer frustration through the use of exercise.
Unlike in the previous two scenarios, this one requires you to allow the officer to pull you over. Make sure to pull over at the top of a steep decline for optimal results. Once pulled over, put the car in neutral, and turn the key enough to kill the engine, but not lock the steering. As the officer approaches, stick your head out of the window, and ask what the problem is. While doing so, slowly lift your foot from the brake, allowing the car to begin rolling. Be sure to allow the car to roll fast enough to maintain the same distance between the officer and your car as when you started. The officer will tell you to stop the vehicle, explain that you are trying to, but it won’t stop. Allow yourself a decent lead before stopping. This will cause the officer to walk a few hundred feet extra back to his car to run your license. keep watching for the officer to return in the mirror. as he approaches again, slowly let off of the brake again, and begin to coast. Begin yelling “It’s doing it again! What do I do?!” He’ll offer some advice while running after your vehicle. Once he’s running nearly full speed, slam on the brake, and let him run past you. It’s very difficult to stop running downhill. Once he’s past you, start the car, pull into the driving lane, and pull beside the officer to offer him a ride back to his car.
Hey Joe! Presents: Ways to End a Bad Date Badly (for the ladies)
So let’s face it, anyone that has ever had to endure the dating scene for very long has probably had a few experiences where they wished the date was already over. Sometimes, this occurs immediately after meeting your date. I feel bad for these poor schmucks, so in keeping with my how-to series, I’ve put together a little cheat sheet of ways to end a bad date whenever you want. Be aware that some of these ideas are not for the faint of heart, and in some cases, may even be illegal in your area. I will not bail your ass out of jail if it ends up there because you didn’t check your local laws before employing any of my sage-like advice. As usual, this is not a complete guide, just a few idea starters. With that said…
I’ll make the worst-case scenario the first-case scenario, since this is the one that needs the most help.
Scenario 1: Dipshit shows up dressed in duct tape to impress you with his/her craftiness. Appropriate course of action: Insist on driving, and tell the fucking idiot to ride in the back so he has room to get comfortable. Stop by a convenience store, and buy alcohol. Begin the roasting. Make sure all of the child locks on the windows and doors of the car are engaged. Make sure all windows are rolled up. Turn the heat on high. Don’t worry if you begin to sweat, as it will be worth it in the end. As the adhesive on the tape gets warmer, it will become more tacky than when first applied. Continue driving to the most remote destination possible with heat blasting. Stop and fill car up with gas if necessary. Once at destination, apologize to dipshit for driving so far with the heat on, but state that you just wanted to spend some alone time with him. Encourage alcohol consumption to help ease the overheating. Keep the idiot talking and drinking until the alcohol kicks in. When your date expresses that he has a need to go to the restroom, explain that there is none for miles, and recommend that he relieves himself behind a bush. Once they are behind the bush, watch as he struggles to remove the duct tape in time to prevent pissing himself. Due to the extra tackiness of the duct tape, he should fail at this endeavor. Once he has pissed himself, tell him to wait there, you are going to go get something to help. Find the nearest police officer, and explain that a homeless man just tried to get into your car. Take the officer to your drunken, pissed on, duct-tape covered date, and explain “That’s the one officer!”
Scenario 2: Date started out great, but the conversation sucks. Appropriate course of action: Ask date to buy you a beer, a shot of whiskey, and a sex on the beach all at the same time. Since you are a female, the mere mentioning of the word sex will convince your date to buy. When the three drinks arrive, knock back the shot of whiskey, and take the other two with you to the bar. Give the beer to a new guy, and begin a new date.
Scenario 3: Date started out badly, failed to improve. Appropriate course of action: Get date drunk. Really drunk. Insist that you drive, since he is intoxicated. On the way, tell him you think you know where your friend (that’s out of town) keeps her hide-a-key. Pick an apartment building along the way, and ask him to go get the key from under the mat of a random apartment. Tell him if it isn’t there, to knock on the neighbor’s door and ask Jill for the key.The name Jill just sounds like she’s cute, so again, his drunk, horny ass will do it. Explain that the night is about to go from awesome to fucking fantastic! When he is in front of the door of the random apartment, slowly begin to back away, once he starts to look under the mat, feel free to leave.
If you have any other scenarios you need help with, feel free to leave them for me in the comments section. I will be happy to help find you an irresponsible solution to your dating situation. While you’re here, be sure to check out the rest of the Hey Joe! Presents guides. If you’re reading this for some bad ideas, you’ll love the other guides!
Hey Joe! Presents: Things That Will Cause You To Get Your Ass Fired
After the HUGE success of my article on ways to get your ass kicked (http://heyjoeonline.com/2013/02/20/hey-joe-presentsthings-that-will-cause-you-to-get-your-ass-kicked), and by that, I mean all six of my readers liked it, I’ve decided to offer advice to those who wish to seek employment elsewhere. This may help you if you hate your current job, but don’t have the balls to quit. As with my previous how-to guide, this is in no way meant to be a complete guide, merely something to help you form your own bad ideas that will cause errors in judgement. Let’s get to it, shall we?
1. Donuts. Buy a dozen donuts from a local bakery, (not rings, the kind they fill). You could deliver these donuts that appear to be filled, but aren’t. People will be mildly let down, but not angry. This is not our style. Mediocrity serves no one. No, we kick things up to about a 12. Using a cake decorating bag, and a rosebud tip, fill the bag with condiments of your choosing. I choose either Mayo, or sour cream. Not real sour creme, but creme that has gone bad. Insert the tip approximately 1 inch into the donut, and fill. Do not overfill, Use a can of Redi-Whip to fill the holes. Once the donuts are finished, take into work when no one is looking with a sign that states “Help Yourself”.
2. The phone system. Most modern offices are equipped with a central telephone system. These are the type of phones that will let you transfer calls between offices, and join conference calls. To liven things up on a Monday morning, wait until upper management is gathered in the conference room for a call. Minutes before the expected call, dial a sex line, and do a blind transfer (when you transfer a call without it being announced). To further use the phone system to seal your doom, contact the IRS. When you’ve selected the option to report a case of tax fraud, blind transfer to your boss’s voicemail. They love that!
3.The coffee. The key here is to get to work early, (as before) and make coffee as usual. Once the coffee is finished, add two cups of Metamucil. It won’t take long for it to melt, and results will be noticeable.
4. The old “Set my boss’s car on fire trick”. I don’t really need to explain this one, as it is completed the same way as outlined in your “How to be a Total Asshole” booklet.
5. Attend a meeting. Be sure to wear a freshly pressed suit. Whenever your boss begins to speak, stand up, and announce: “I’m sorry Jim, somebody should have told you this by now. We’re letting you go. Cathy from accounting is going to be our new VP. Be sure to clean out your cubical.” Then walk him to the door with a comforting hand on his back. This is extremely effective if his name isn’t Jim, there is no Cathy in accounting, and he doesn’t have a cubical.
6. The engineer. Ever had to put together office furniture? It’s a pain in the ass. Trust me. A great way to become unemployed, is to disassemble everyone in the office’s furniture but your own. Then, be sure to call your boss to let him or her know that you’ll be coming in a few hours late. When asked for the reason, explain that you were up late working on some office furniture.
Obviously, there’s a ton of other ideas that I haven’t mentioned here, but I have to get ready for work. I’m trying to get there early. I have donuts.
**LANG.** Hey Joe! Presents:Things That Will Cause You To Get Your Ass Kicked
During the course of a day, I have about a billion ideas. Some good, others….not so much. I was recently interviewed by Essa Alroc from essaalroc.com, and she asked me how often I got my ass kicked while growing up. I told her not often enough, and now that I’ve had time to think about it, I suspect a lot of people could probably use a good ass kicking.
Anyway, I thought I’d give you a few of the ideas that I think would be quite effective at getting your ass kicked. This is based on a few assumptions:
1. You get caught (there is zero chance you won’t get caught).
2. You’re not some Chuck Norris/Stephen Seagal/Jet Li hybrid.
3. You really want to get your ass kicked.
Idea Numero Uno:
Enter a public restroom, and hang out by the sink. Wait for an unsuspecting victim. Depending on their path upon entering, you have three possibilities at engaging in hand to hand combat.
a.) Victim approaches sink beside you. The appropriate response is to cup your hands under the water from your own sink, and throw it onto victims crotch area. State that it looks like “Somebody had an accident.”
b.) Victim stands at urinal. The appropriate response is to walk quietly up behind them, and piss on the backs of their legs. When they ask “What the hell?”, (because they will), tell them you thought they were on fire.
c.) Victim sits down in a stall. The appropriate response is to clog the toilets to either side with paper towels, and flush continuously. Be sure to leave the stall in time to hold the victim’s door shut. When they begin swearing at you, simply state “I’ve got you now, Batman!”
Idea number two:
Find a tall building, and enter the elevator. Wait for unsuspecting victim to enter. At this point, you again are faced with several options depending on their floor of choice.
a.) The victim chooses the next floor. The appropriate response is to continuously place either your hand, foot or briefcase between the doors to prevent them from closing. When victim asks you to stop, tell them to take the stairs, it’s less crowded.
b.) The victim chooses the 19th floor. The appropriate response is to press the button for every floor leading up to the 19th. When the doors open on each floor, ask if this is the victim’s floor.
c.) The victim reaches to select their floor of choice. The appropriate response is to slap their hand away and ask for the password. After 3 failed attempts, tell them they will have to wait 10 minutes to try again. If they attempt to select a floor before the 10 minutes is up, give them a titty twister.
Idea number three:
Go to Wal-Mart and wait for unsuspecting victim. Remember, the stronger looking the better. Guys that look like their name may be “Bruno” or “Sampson” are optimal. Once your target has been selected, choose one of the following options:
a.) Follow them closely, and put one of everything they put into their cart into yours. While their head is turned to look for something on a shelf, toss a few items from your cart into theirs. Continue to do so until your cart is empty.
b.) Follow them closely, and every time their back is turned, remove an item from their cart, and place it into your own. Continue to do so until their cart is empty.
c.) Locate the canned goods aisle. fill your cart approximately 3/4 full. Watch for unsuspecting victim to turn down an aisle. Once they have selected an aisle, enter the aisle from the opposite end. When the victim is only 10-15 feet away, stare at them, and loudly make a “VROOOM-VROOOM!” sound. Once you have their attention, run into their buggy at top speed. Make sure the victim is out of the way to avoid injury. Injured people make terrible ass kickers.
There you have it folks! This is obviously not a complete list, but I hope it’s enough to get you started. If you have any better suggestions, please share! I’d love to hear them.
Hey Joe! Online 