So let’s face it, anyone that has ever had to endure the dating scene for very long has probably had a few experiences where they wished the date was already over. Sometimes, this occurs immediately after meeting your date. I feel bad for these poor schmucks, so in keeping with my how-to series, I’ve put together a little cheat sheet of ways to end a bad date whenever you want. Be aware that some of these ideas are not for the faint of heart, and in some cases, may even be illegal in your area. I will not bail your ass out of jail if it ends up there because you didn’t check your local laws before employing any of my sage-like advice. As usual, this is not a complete guide, just a few idea starters. With that said…
I’ll make the worst-case scenario the first-case scenario, since this is the one that needs the most help.
Scenario 1: Dipshit shows up dressed in duct tape to impress you with his/her craftiness. Appropriate course of action: Insist on driving, and tell the fucking idiot to ride in the back so he has room to get comfortable. Stop by a convenience store, and buy alcohol. Begin the roasting. Make sure all of the child locks on the windows and doors of the car are engaged. Make sure all windows are rolled up. Turn the heat on high. Don’t worry if you begin to sweat, as it will be worth it in the end. As the adhesive on the tape gets warmer, it will become more tacky than when first applied. Continue driving to the most remote destination possible with heat blasting. Stop and fill car up with gas if necessary. Once at destination, apologize to dipshit for driving so far with the heat on, but state that you just wanted to spend some alone time with him. Encourage alcohol consumption to help ease the overheating. Keep the idiot talking and drinking until the alcohol kicks in. When your date expresses that he has a need to go to the restroom, explain that there is none for miles, and recommend that he relieves himself behind a bush. Once they are behind the bush, watch as he struggles to remove the duct tape in time to prevent pissing himself. Due to the extra tackiness of the duct tape, he should fail at this endeavor. Once he has pissed himself, tell him to wait there, you are going to go get something to help. Find the nearest police officer, and explain that a homeless man just tried to get into your car. Take the officer to your drunken, pissed on, duct-tape covered date, and explain “That’s the one officer!”
Scenario 2: Date started out great, but the conversation sucks. Appropriate course of action: Ask date to buy you a beer, a shot of whiskey, and a sex on the beach all at the same time. Since you are a female, the mere mentioning of the word sex will convince your date to buy. When the three drinks arrive, knock back the shot of whiskey, and take the other two with you to the bar. Give the beer to a new guy, and begin a new date.
Scenario 3: Date started out badly, failed to improve. Appropriate course of action: Get date drunk. Really drunk. Insist that you drive, since he is intoxicated. On the way, tell him you think you know where your friend (that’s out of town) keeps her hide-a-key. Pick an apartment building along the way, and ask him to go get the key from under the mat of a random apartment. Tell him if it isn’t there, to knock on the neighbor’s door and ask Jill for the key.The name Jill just sounds like she’s cute, so again, his drunk, horny ass will do it. Explain that the night is about to go from awesome to fucking fantastic! When he is in front of the door of the random apartment, slowly begin to back away, once he starts to look under the mat, feel free to leave.
If you have any other scenarios you need help with, feel free to leave them for me in the comments section. I will be happy to help find you an irresponsible solution to your dating situation. While you’re here, be sure to check out the rest of the Hey Joe! Presents guides. If you’re reading this for some bad ideas, you’ll love the other guides!