If you’re like me, whenever you get pulled over by the police, two thoughts immediately cross your mind: “Man, this sure is exciting! I’d love to take it to another level though.” If that describes you too, then you are in luck! Hey Joe! Online has finally pooled our resources, (through a lot of trial and error), and has come up with a few great ways to step up your next traffic stop! (Please keep in mind, that results may vary, and you may have to combine several of the following to achieve your desired result.)
Scenario Goal 1: Instead of allowing officer to get away with just a ticket, opt for jail.
How-to: Travel down the highway cautiously, being sure to yield the right of way, whenever applicable. Drive around until you notice a police car. Once you have located target, proceed to follow for approximately a mile. Once you feel comfortable that the officer is aware of your presence, begin alternating between your high and low beams to signal to the officer in front of you that he needs to pull over. Once both vehicles are safely on the side of the road, approach the officer’s vehicle from the passenger side.If the officer attempts to exit his/her vehicle, verbally command them to remain in the vehicle for their safety. Once you’ve reached the passenger door, greet the officer, and ask to see his license and badge. Again if officer attempts to exit the vehicle, command them to remain inside. Shine a flashlight inside the vehicle, and scan for any drugs or weapons in plain view. If you do not have a flashlight, use a lighter, or if necessary, light a match. If you have to use matches, remember to ignite the match inside the officer’s vehicle, as it will help remove any offending odors. Again, state that the officer needs to remain inside their vehicle. Since the officer will clearly not be remaining inside the vehicle, enter the vehicle from the front passenger side. Lock the doors. With any luck, the keys will still be in the ignition. If this is the case, turn the radio to the first available classic rock station, and listen to Steve Miller singing about “Big Old Jed Had A Light On” (Jet Airliner) at full volume. Once the passenger side window has been removed by the officer, and you have been gently removed from the front, and placed in the back, consider your goal complete.
Scenario Goal 2: Gain popularity with the local police department, by assisting with K9 training.
As before, pull officer over to the shoulder safely. Again, approach from the passenger side of the vehicle, and request to see his license and badge. It’s generally at this point in the stop that one of two things could happen: 1) the officer immediately exits the vehicle against your command, or 2) he will look at you seriously, and ask if you are on drugs. In the event of option one, see suggestion listed above. For option 2, look back at the officer, and state: “Just the ones I have in my car.” It’s at this point the officer will ask to search your vehicle. The appropriate response is to calmly state, while still maintaining your stare, “Only if you want your ass kicked.” Once the officer exits his vehicle, it is imperative that you demand that he remove his weapons at once, and surrender. I don’t expect that to happen, but he will probably radio a K9 unit to come and assist with the search while he’s kicking your ass. As the officer approaches you to commence said ass-kicking, I find it useful to encourage him to walk faster by saying things like, “I wish I had a swing like that in my backyard”, and “Hey baby! You want some fries to go with that shake?” Once the K9 officer arrives, tell him to keep the dog away from the trunk, because you don’t want him to eat the rest of your weed. When they discover there is no weed in the trunk, say you think you forgot that you put it under the seat. When they move the dog to the front of the vehicle, tell him to be careful that the dog doesn’t shoot himself with the pistol under there.
Scenario Goal 3: Help alleviate officer frustration through the use of exercise.
Unlike in the previous two scenarios, this one requires you to allow the officer to pull you over. Make sure to pull over at the top of a steep decline for optimal results. Once pulled over, put the car in neutral, and turn the key enough to kill the engine, but not lock the steering. As the officer approaches, stick your head out of the window, and ask what the problem is. While doing so, slowly lift your foot from the brake, allowing the car to begin rolling. Be sure to allow the car to roll fast enough to maintain the same distance between the officer and your car as when you started. The officer will tell you to stop the vehicle, explain that you are trying to, but it won’t stop. Allow yourself a decent lead before stopping. This will cause the officer to walk a few hundred feet extra back to his car to run your license. keep watching for the officer to return in the mirror. as he approaches again, slowly let off of the brake again, and begin to coast. Begin yelling “It’s doing it again! What do I do?!” He’ll offer some advice while running after your vehicle. Once he’s running nearly full speed, slam on the brake, and let him run past you. It’s very difficult to stop running downhill. Once he’s past you, start the car, pull into the driving lane, and pull beside the officer to offer him a ride back to his car.