Home » America » ** LANG ** For Tom Nardone, Hey Joe! Presents: Shitheads – A Reference Sheet

** LANG ** For Tom Nardone, Hey Joe! Presents: Shitheads – A Reference Sheet

Let me begin this post by thanking a fellow blogger Tom Nardone for reminding me why I started this blog. Thank you Tom. You are right, the world is full of shitheads, and I need to get back to bringing them in front of the public, to keep the spotlight on their shitheadedness (how’s that for a curse word!). Check out Tom’s blog at:

http://iamtomnardone.wordpress.com/

As Tom reminded me, this planet is polluted with shitheads. Lately though, it’s occurred to me that we have become so acclimated to them, that many of us may not even recognize them when we see them. To help out, I’ve created a handy dandy little guide you can use to help identify these individuals, and inform them that they are in fact, part of the problem. Let’s get started, shall we?

1. The loud cell phone talker. You know this fucktard. It’s the guy (or girl) that has to scream into his cellphone so that everyone on the planet can hear his side of the conversation. Unless you are talking to Marlee Matlin, Leslie Nielson, or Helen Fucking Keller, stop screaming. I don’t give a shit about your buddy getting so wasted the other night. Neither does anyone else in the western hemisphere. (I know what you’re thinking, and yes; Leslie Nielson was deaf.)

2. Mr. (or Ms.) “You let the guy in front of me merge, so I’m going too”. Yes idiot, I did let him merge. I understand the basic traffic principle of 1-and-1. You obviously don’t. Now I have to follow your fucking Mercedes to wherever you are going, so I can key it with the word “Shithead”. Thanks. I was just hoping to take a side trip from wherever the hell I was going originally to deal with you. That’s great. Thanks.

3.Mr. (or Ms.) “I have six carts full of shit in the express checkout lane”. (You and the guy from number 4 are both getting kicked in the balls the next time we meet.) Obviously, this guy or girl can’t fucking read, or at the very least understand the number 10. I was behind a lady at Micheal’s (a craft shop) one day that had bought almost a hundred spools of thread, and was in the express lane. When she noticed that I was looking at her like she’d just wiped her nose on my sleeve, she said “What? It’s all the same, Technically, it’s one item, just divided up.”  I have three simple questions for you: 1. What planet do you live on where bullshit like that works? 2. If I chopped your head off and dismembered you, shouldn’t I get away with it (it’s all the same, just divided up.) and 3. What the fuck are you going to do with that much thread? Are you starting your own fabric company? (See what I did there? Two questions, from the same thought, but divided up. I counted it as 1 question. It didn’t fucking work, did it?)

4. Mr. AND Ms. “Makeout Wherever”. Look, I’m all for sharing the love. Really, that’s an awesome idea, it really is. Unfortunately, “Share the Love” does not mean two trashy ass people that look like they’ve left their trailer park before putting on “public” clothes making out in the middle of the mall, or more likely, Wal-Mart. Those two kids with you are proof that your genetics are fucked up, and you need to quit reproducing. Stop getting yourself worked up, or it’s just going to keep getting worse. Seriously, look at those little bastards, they’re getting worse every time. It’s like making photocopies of photocopies on a dirty photocopier.

5. The Analyst. Possibly, more appropriately, “The Analist”. This is the prick or whatever the hell a female prick is, that has to contradict everything everyone says, because they know everything. These conversations go like this:

Me: “Our public schools are really going to have to get better standards if we want to compete with the educations kids in Europe and Asia are getting.”

The Analist: “Actually, it is quite fair to even compare the two. Generally speaking the way our school systems are structured…blah blah blah.”

Me: “Hey! Look over there! It’s Elvis!”

The Analist: “What? Where? I can’t….” <punched in the throat>

Me: “You’re a shithead.” <Get up and leave.>

I absolutely hate these people. I seem to come into contact with them on a daily basis. I really feel like it would be in the best interest of the world for me to tell them to shut the hell up. Just shut it. Nobody wants to hear their shit.

6. Mr. (or Ms.) “I just bough a new car that costs 40 thousand dollars too much for where I live”. I want to hurt these people in a way that would make Stephen King cringe. They go out, and buy the most expensive fucking car they can find, park it at the far end of the parking lot, taking up two or more spaces so it doesn’t get bumped by a neighboring car door. When driving, they turn off the highway or road at about a half mile per hour. Apparently that expensive ass car doesn’t corner well. If you’re going to worry that fucking much about it, don’t buy it. After all, it is still just a vehicle.

As always, this isn’t an all-inclusive list, but they are the ones on my nerves tonight. Who irritates the fuck out of you? Leave a comment, and we’ll discuss.

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16 Comments

  1. Very nice joe. It feels good to be out there building a case against the people you hate doesn’t it. I just worried that if you didn’t do this, someone else would do it without the same finesse. Thanks Joe for identifying these people. I will think about you writing obscenities on Mercedes and BMWs every time I see one of these elitist assholes taking up 4 spaces at the Home Depot so that they can come in with their notepads and write down prices for a bunch of shit that they are never going to buy.

    Thank you also for the kind words, and accolades. Joe, keep your pimp hand strong!!

    Tom

    • Joe Smith says:

      Somebody has to keep these assholes in check – I feel more than qualified for the job! The worst thing is when you run into more than a couple of these freaks in the same day. Generally I find that it happens on my day off. I’ll be working on some home improvement project or another, and a trip to Home Depot will nearly turn into a crime scene!

  2. Miss Z says:

    You know what’s better than raving like a lunatic about all my pet hates? Reading about yours. I’m not kidding – this brightened up my day! Ok, here’s another pet peeve for ya.

    Mr/Mrs “too busy facebooking to watch where I’m walking”: And half the time, they aren’t even on their phones – They just have this vacant, brain-dead expression on their face! I seem to be a magnet for these people. You know what I’m talking about. You’re just walking along, you’re in a hurry to get somewhere and maybe you’re running a little late. Then some dumbass starts slowly floating into your path and there’s no room to walk around them. Must be nice to have all the time in the world!

    Mr/Mrs “I don’t know you but I’m gonna stare at you like you’re scum of the Earth”: I get the whole moody teenager thing. I can even tolerate it. It just gets on my nerve when I see people my own age (or older) doing this to me. I don’t know you! I don’t care about you! But most importantly, I don’t stare at you like a freak, even though I know you’re one!

    • Joe Smith says:

      Oh shit! How did I miss those two? Last week my wife and I had gone to Macy’s to get a shirt for her dad. We were looking for a parking space, when who walks out of the building staring at his fucking phone like he was reading the secrets of the universe? Mr. Facebook. The idiot crossed the throughway without looking, then started walking down the parking aisle straight towards us. Do you think he ever even looked up? Not once he walked within five feet of my car (which I had stopped so I wouldn’t run over him), then I blew the horn. He looked up from his phone like he’d just woke up standing in the middle of the Autobahn! It scared the shit out of him, primarily I think, because he didn’t know my car wasn’t moving.

      As far as the shitheads that like to stare at you with the evil eye, I let them slide the first time or two that I catch them staring. After that, I actually approach them them, and ask if they have something on their mind. I did this once, and the guys asked if my name was Joe Smith. I was fucking floored! I was like “How do you know my name?” It turns out that my mom had babysat this guy and his sister for years while I was in high school, and I didn’t even recognize him. The next time it happens to you in public, I recommend this approach. It’s a little more dangerous for you as a woman, so be careful. You may not believe why people are staring.

      • Miss Z says:

        LMAO Similar thing happene to me too! My mum and I were driving in the city and we were approaching this street corner. Then this old guy starts crossing the road – and yes, he saw out car and still continued. Then when we nearly ran him over, he banged his palm on the hood of the car and told US off! Like he thought he owned the road! Mum and I were so cheesed off – he’s lucky I wasn’t behind the wheel or I’d have revved the engine and blared my horn at him.

        As for approaching people, I’ve seen way too many psychos to want to risk it. So I err on the side of caution.

  3. Miss Z says:

    Just realised I gave two pet peeves, Those are on the house! 😉

  4. Arielle says:

    Mr. or Ms. No particular fucking destination.. these assholes get in their cars and drive around like it’s a fucking hobby, they don’t appear to have anywhere in mind because they’re always going 15mph below the limit, they don’t signal, they don’t look and they always act shocked if you hit the horn when they nearly collide into your vehicle.. they just spread their stupidity as far and wide as they can.. you know.. only with a big, dangerous fucking car. may or may not be related to Mr. or Ms. I just bought a car that costs 40 thousand dollars too much for where I live.. and hey is it me.. or are these parked in trailor parks a lot? The same trailor you can look in the window of and see the giant tv they bought.. you know instead of getting a better place to live?

  5. Hahahah…made my day. Awesome!

  6. I laughed all the way through this one. Thank you. On #5, the female term is cunt (yeah I know terrible term but it is the accurate one).

    My pet peeve: Children outside of the shopping cart, screaming mothers or over production take your pick. You know the ones, you see them in every grocery store you have ever been in. You go to pick up a few items and there she is, dressed like she just came in off the stroll with 3-7 children all under the age of however many she has. They all look like they could use a flea dip and a good scrubbing, they all have snot running down their faces and they all have an evil glint in their eye when they notice you staring in horror. The first one grabs something off a shelf and the display tumbles, the mother screams at them and includes foul comparisons to their likely multiple fathers. They begin to cry, she screams “SHUT UP!”. You of course rush away to escape the noise pollution. For the rest of your shopping foray though these escapees from the swamplands follow you right up to check out lane. You can hear them throughout the store, no matter how big the store.

    Your children are lovely by the way.

    • Joe Smith says:

      I love it! Have you ever seen the movie “The War” with Kevin Costner? Every time I see it, I can’t help but think that the little dirty kids are going to be somewhere in public later…swearing, clouds of dust rolling around them like Pigpen from the Peanuts comics….

      • I am from Texas, these children and their ridiculous trolling mothers are everywhere! I seem to followed through stores by them.

        I saw The War sometime ago, I don’t remember that much about it. Should I see it again?

        • Joe Smith says:

          Absolutely! It’s wonderful! You can’t help but empathize with Kevin Costner’s character, and I love Lucas Black at that age. You should totally see it again!

          Sincerely,

    • Joe Smith says:

      Also, thank you for the compliment on the kids!

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