As I’m sure most of you are aware, I’m well on my way to being a grouchy-assed 35 year old man. For some indiscernible reason, I’ve managed to somehow lose every bit of patience that I had in my earlier years for my fellow man. I’d like to issue this as a formal notice there there are a few things that will cause me to say “Fuck personal restraint. I need to punch this dude in the throat.” Allow me to name a sampling of such things…
1. When a grown adult can’t fucking manage to eat with their mouth closed. This sends me over the edge faster than a Kardashian publicity stunt. I don’t want to see, or worse, hear the shit that you’ve managed to shovel into that gaping maw of a cramhole you call a mouth. It’s one of those noises that I associate with someone wanting me to assist them with suicide.
2. Assholes that buy SUVs and drive them like they’re made of glass. Just buy a God-damned Corvette or Mercedes if you want to show off your money, you prick. It’s a Sport Utility Vehicle, not a Sealed Unused Vagina;it’s not going to hurt it all all if you get rough with it. I promise. In fact, I personally know for a fact that many vaginas are used used way less gently than that Sport Utility Vehicle you just overpaid for, and guess what? They’re still perfectly fine.
3. Idiots that try to argue over religions. Look dickheads, religion is an individual sport. It’s like golf. Regardless which tournament the players play in, in the end, each is responsible for themselves. I understand you believe your way. If you try to force me to believe what you want to believe, I’ll help you determine if you chose the right one to believe in by cutting off your air supply.
4.People getting into a short checkout line in front of me, then sending their accomplice to get shit they didn’t because they wanted to be in the short line. Fuck you. We’re here in the impulse aisle together. You send someone to finish shopping while you’re in front of me, and I won’t resist the impulse to pick up one of these lighters that look like a giant fucking match, and set you on fire. You should’ve sent your buddy to aisle 11 to get an extinguisher.
5. Old people that think just because they are 30,000 years old, they can get away with being rude. You know these people, they talk shit like they’re thirty, threaten to hit you with their cane if you don’t take your hand out of their purse, and use racial slurs as though the 1960’s never happened. Fuck you, Gramps. You think I won’t I won’t move all of the Walmart scooters to the back of the store by the hunting supplies? Try me.