Home » America » People That Need A High 5, To The Face, With A Chair…

People That Need A High 5, To The Face, With A Chair…


^ That dude is not me. Let’s start there…


I’ve struggled with weight management for most of my life. I wouldn’t say I look like the Michelin man, but you won’t be seeing me in any underwear commercials showing off my abs either. With this being the case, I’d like to kick off this post by stating that those of us that are a pound or two overweight (or like 60), need to keep in mind that being fat SHOULD exclude you from certain activities. As you can see in the picture, dressing up for Halloween as a character that is supposed to be skinny, is one such example.  This picture looks like John Wayne Gacy knocked up Kirby from Kirby’s Big Adventure. This guy would’ve been better served by going topless, and paying some hot skinny chick to dress up as slave Leia. Somebody get that man a chair…

This post is for all of the people that I have the displeasure of coming into contact with on a daily basis, that I would like to hit in the face with a foreign object of damn near any kind.

1.  Anyone, in any store that still pays by check: You need a headshot with a folding chair twice. I can not express how mad I get whenever you are in the line in front of me, and I see you pull out that stupid fucking checkbook. You are the cause of violence in America. Put the checkbook, quill pen, and ink blotter back into your satchel, get into your Edsel, and go home. You are not technologically advanced enough to be out in civilization.

2. People wearing/waving/displaying rebel flag anything. The south lost. It’s a fact. Ask around until you find someone who can read, and have them look it up.

3. People with NASCAR numbers on their vehicles. For whatever reason, these assholes are always the ones that are going to make you late for work because they drive 26 mph under the speed limit. Either speed up, or take that shit off your car. While you’re at it; chair yourself in the face.  Speaking of people putting stupid shit on their car…

4. People who put “In loving memory of…” on their car. What are you talking about being  “In loving memory of”? You bought a fucking car to remember them? You had a sign shop put a vinyl decal on your window in loving memory? That’s classy! Something else you might try; a chair to the face. You can do it in loving memory of…

5.People who want to convey the meaning of cuss words (curse words, or swear words), but can’t muster the balls to use them. They go out of their way to find a suitable replacement that falls short, yet sounds stupid. They could change their sentence to sound better, but they don’t. It just loses something, I guess. Let’s see. “Tom’s an idiot. He forgot to pay his bill.” That sounds okay. I’m alright with that. They won’t do that though. They need the emphasis: “Tom’s a dumb-butt. He forgot to pay his bill.” No. Tom’s forgetful, and is a dumb-ass for hanging out with you.

6. People that do 100 mph to pull out in front of you, then drive below the speed limit. At the next light, when you see me in your mirror, assume the tire iron is for you.

7.  People that talk while they’re in line at a fast food restaurant, then take six weeks to order because they don’t know what they want. Seriously people. I will fucking murder you if you don’t knock it off. It’s McDonald’s. Over 60 BILLION served. 60 Billion, with a b. You know what? It’s the same menu they’ve had the whole time. They change the numbers around, but the menu stays the same. Let me help you out; You’d like a McChicken sandwich, a large fry, a Dr. Pepper, and a McChair to the McFace.

8. Everyone, from every small town, ever interviewed by the local news media. You know you haven’t had all of your teeth since Reagan was president, you’re not wearing a bra, and that mustard stain on your shirt is still there. When you see the news people rolling in the van through the trailer park, stay inside. Even if you do stay inside, take turns with the news people smacking each other with the chair when the camera’s off. You both deserve it.

Just out of curiosity, did I forget someone from your list?



  1. Reblogged this on Nandan Tripathi and commented:

  2. essaalroc says:

    I love it. There should be a “People That Need A High 5, To The Face, With A Chair national holiday where its completely legal to do that in every situation you described.

  3. emery lyrics says:

    Link exchange is nothing else but it is simply placing the other person’s website link on your
    page at appropriate place and other person will also do same in favor of you.

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